Regarding Power Struggles



by Justine Saffir and January Handl

One of the fears of every parent aide is that they may find themselves involved in a power struggle with a child. Here are a few ideas to think about in case you do.

'Every time I work in the classroom, this one child always has to have a power struggle over something!'

Can one person have a power struggle? No! The nature of a struggle is that it involves more than one direction; more than one person. One person can make a demand, but it takes two to struggle. So if you feel a power struggle brewing, if you find you're fighting over something, you're just as guilty as the child. And as you're the one with the most maturity (one hopes!), it's up to you to step out of the struggle.

'But you can't be saying I should give in! That'll just teach the child to pitch a fit to get his way. And I can't force him to do what I asked -- that's how we got into the struggle in the first place!'

People often assume the only two choices they have in a showdown with a child are to give in, which teaches the child that pitching a fit works and gives him permission not to fulfill his responsibilities; or to win, which frustrates and angers the child. That residual frustration and anger paves the way for more and bigger fights later as the child seeks to take back the power.

There is a third, more desirable alternative, which is to withdraw from conflict. Offer the child a choice, back off, and give yourself time to think about how to handle what may come next.

'But how is that any different from giving in? He still got his way!'

It is very different. The difference is in how you do it. If you say, 'OK then, don't take the ball in!' you've given in to the child's way. But if you smile as you say, 'I'll get it this time, and you can do me a favor some other time,' you're cooperating whether the child wants to or not. (You then pretend not to have heard the 'I will not!' The child just needed to say it to save face.

When he unwittingly does something helpful in the future, thank him for the trade. Or you can say, 'Well, I'm disappointed but I can't make you do it. I'll go ahead and take it in and we can talk later about how to make our cleanup time work better for everybody.'

'But aren't there supposed to be immediate consequences for problem behavior?'

We're often afraid of not 'handling' the problem now, but the truth is that we often make the situation much worse when we 'handle' problems immediately, when we're still emotionally involved. We often do or say something that isn't helpful in the long run and sets the stage for future defiance.

In reality, one of two things will happen if you just let it drop and take your time to think about the situation and the best response. Either it will never come up again, so there's no problem, and it doesn't matter that you didn't enforce anything, and aren't you glad you didn't start a huge fight over a one time problem? Or, it will definitely come up again and you'll have plenty of opportunities to respond with your well-thought-out strategy.

Either way, you're better off, and so is the child.