How Do I Explain Such a Terrible World?



By January Handl

How do I explain such terrible world events to my children?

As in any major tragedy, each individual will react in unique ways to events such as the terrorist attack launched on Tuesday, September 11, 2001 on the East Coast or the ongoing war in Iraq. You may have first reacted with disbelief, shock, numbness, anger, overpowering sorrow, fear, restlessness, sleepiness and even laughter. You may have visited and revisited many of these and other emotions, and will continue to do so in your own pace of emotion and your own way of coping. But as a parent, and as teachers, our number one job of keeping everyone safe still remains the top priority in a world where that no longer feels possible. Your children do need a response, and the response you give depends on their own unique situations and reactions as well.

FIRST- children need to be reassured that they are safe- that you, your family members, your friends are OK- even naming each one in a list that comforts as it grows.

All of your communication with children needs to be based on their age, their temperament, and the dynamic of your families’ interactions with society. If your child will inevitably hear details, make sure that they know they can come to you with questions- what we as adults can hardly wrap our minds around the children can’t possibly understand. Let them know that almost all planes and buildings are safe, that these events occurred in only a very few, specific places. They need to know that things are as safe as you can make them and that life is “normal” as we can make it.

PLEASE limit the media exposure at home (where we all maintain our illusion of safety), avoid the graphic visual or auditory images of these disasters- you must get your news away from the children. These images remain to haunt and disturb all of us- and children’s lack of experience can deepen the emotional impact long after we adults have decided that it is “over”. You can tell them about what the people in charge are doing to help and rescue and heal- and how we reach out to each other, how we feel better. That can mean everything from phone calls to relatives to say “I love you” to giving blood, to hugging each other when we feel sad.

Next, understand that children do “feel” the grief, shock and anger of those close to them. If you do not explain your emotions, with words such as “ When the airplanes crashed, many people died, and I am sad for their families,' or 'I’m wishing I could find a way to help,” then your children will forge their own answers as to the reasons for your emotions- sometimes their ideas will actually worsen their experience. I’ve heard more than a few parents tell me, “My child has never seen me cry until now”…Why? Is our message to our children that crying isn’t OK? Or that crying is only for major world tragedies? I’m not condoning loss of control in front of your children, however, when it appears adults are “perfect” and don’t have the emotions all humans carry and must deal with, the children must question their “OK-ness”, as they experience and express these “negative” emotions quite readily.

Do be patient and gentle with yourself and your family. As you and members of your family go through your grieving process, there will be times when tempers are short, or people don’t understand each other’s responses. Some will want routine (children usually find this the most reassuring), some will want to cocoon up for a day or more, some will want to take action. All of these ways of coping are just right for those seeking them.

Do make sure that you feel that your love is conveyed, that you let your child’s questions and responses lead your reactions to them. You can always ask questions to clarify what the child really wants to know, which is most often, “Are we safe, are we going to be together, and will someone be here to take care of me?” If you have spiritual beliefs, times like these are opportunities to discuss them with your children, at the level of their understanding. Do avoid perpetuating hate and stereotypes- part of the planet’s cycles of pain and retribution are because generations are taught to hate and fear without end. Do reach out within your community and sub-communities for support and caring- this is the strongest, most positive message we can take from events like this: When terrible things happen, people draw together across differences to lend each other the strength we do not have alone.